Why Does Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse Feel So Conflicted and Confusing?
Why Does Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse Feel So Conflicted and Confusing?
If you're recovering from narcissistic abuse, you're likely experiencing a range of conflicting emotions. One minute, you might feel relief, strength, and clarity from escaping the toxic relationship, but in the next, you may feel guilt, confusion, or even a sense of longing for the very person who harmed you. These mixed feelings can be disorienting, leaving you questioning yourself and your choices. But the truth is, these conflicting emotions are a natural and common part of the healing process.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is not a linear journey. It’s full of ups and downs, and the emotions you’re experiencing are a direct result of the complex, emotionally charged nature of narcissistic relationships. It’s important to understand why you feel the way you do, so you can start to heal and move forward with greater clarity and self-compassion.
Why Do I Have Conflicting Emotions?
Conflicting emotions, especially after experiences like narcissistic abuse, are a natural and understandable part of the healing process. It’s common to feel torn between opposing feelings, such as love and anger, relief and guilt, or confusion and clarity. These emotional conflicts often arise because of the complex nature of abusive relationships. Here are some reasons why you may experience conflicting emotions:
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when holding two conflicting thoughts or emotions. In the case of narcissistic abuse, you may know intellectually that the relationship was harmful, but emotionally, you might still have attachment to the person who hurt you. This tension can create confusion and a struggle to reconcile your feelings.Trauma Bonding
Narcissistic relationships often involve cycles of idealization, devaluation, and discard. This causes trauma bonding, where the victim becomes emotionally attached to the abuser despite the harm. Even after leaving the relationship, you may still feel a pull toward the narcissist due to the emotional highs and lows experienced during the relationship, leading to conflicting feelings.Gaslighting
If you’ve been gaslit during the relationship, it’s understandable why you might have conflicting emotions. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where your reality is distorted, and you’re made to question your perceptions, memories, and feelings. Over time, this makes it incredibly difficult to trust yourself, and even after leaving the abusive situation, you might still feel unsure about what’s real and what’s not. The confusion left by gaslighting contributes significantly to the internal struggle between knowing the truth and feeling emotionally drawn to the person who gaslighted you.Fear of the Unknown
Leaving a narcissistic relationship often means stepping into an unknown future, which can feel overwhelming. You might experience relief at being free from the abuse but also fear or anxiety about what lies ahead. This fear can create conflicting emotions—on one hand, you know that staying in the relationship wasn’t healthy, but on the other, the security of what you knew (even if it was toxic) can create hesitation or doubt. It's natural to feel conflicted when faced with the uncertainty of the future, but this too is part of the healing process.Guilt and Self-Blame
Narcissistic abuse often involves heavy emotional manipulation that makes the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s actions. After leaving the relationship, you may feel guilt or self-blame, thinking that you should have done more, that you could have changed things, or that you’re abandoning the abuser in some way. These feelings of guilt can contradict your logical understanding that the relationship was toxic. It’s important to recognize that this guilt is a result of the manipulation you experienced, not your actual responsibility.Hope for Change
Even after experiencing the worst of the abuse, part of you might still hold onto hope that the narcissist can change. This is especially true if there were moments of affection or love during the relationship that felt real, even if they were fleeting. Hope is a powerful emotion, and it can keep you emotionally attached to someone who hasn’t demonstrated consistent healthy behavior. The pull of this hope, despite the harm done, can create significant internal conflict.
The Role of Ambivalence in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Experiencing ambivalence—feeling torn between conflicting emotions—is one of the most common aspects of healing from narcissistic abuse. When you leave an abusive relationship, you may still feel emotionally tied to the narcissist despite knowing, intellectually, that the relationship was harmful. This ambivalence doesn’t mean you’re weak or indecisive; it means you’re processing the complexities of an abusive relationship and its emotional impact.
Many survivors feel stuck between wanting to move on and still feeling attached to the narcissist. You may feel relief and empowerment from leaving but also guilt, fear, or sadness about the loss of what you hoped the relationship could have been. These feelings of ambivalence are entirely normal and should be viewed as part of the emotional processing needed to heal.
Healing from Conflicting Emotions
While conflicting emotions can be exhausting, they’re also an opportunity for growth and understanding. You may feel as though you’re “all over the place” emotionally, but this is your mind and body working through a complex trauma. The first step to healing is to recognize these emotions without judgment. Each feeling—whether it’s anger, love, guilt, or sadness—has a purpose and can guide you to deeper insights about yourself.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully. Avoiding or suppressing them may delay the healing process. It’s okay to experience mixed feelings about the narcissist and the relationship. It’s also okay to feel uncertain about your next steps. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to feel one way or another; it’s about accepting the emotional complexity and gradually finding peace with it.
As you work through these emotions, remember that you are not alone. Narcissistic abuse leaves deep scars, but with time, self-compassion, and support, you can heal. Therapy, support groups, and self-care practices can all help you process your emotions in a healthy way. By accepting that ambivalence is part of the healing journey, you will eventually be able to trust yourself again and move forward into a healthier, more balanced future.
Final Thoughts
The path to healing from narcissistic abuse can feel overwhelming at times, and it's normal to experience conflicting emotions along the way. You're not alone in this. It’s okay to feel uncertain, torn, or even like you're taking one step forward and two steps back. These mixed feelings are part of the process, and they don’t define your ability to heal.
At Acadia Psychotherapy in Texas, we understand the emotional complexities that come with recovering from narcissistic abuse. Our compassionate, tailored approach is here to support you in navigating these difficult feelings, helping you regain trust in yourself, and empowering you to move forward with confidence.
If you're ready to take the next step in your healing journey, reach out today. We’re here to walk with you every step of the way.
